The Quarter-Life Crisis of Happiness

HAPPINESS

Happiness.

Yeah, I want to talk about this today.

The euphoric high you get that forces your face muscles to contract and curl into the most beautiful smile (and yes, whoever you are reading this, your smile is beautiful); The electric shock to your heart that makes it beat a million times faster than normal, and beat a trillion times stronger against your chest.

Is your happiness a person? Is it a place? Something you can buy or physically grab with your hands? It could be all of those things, yet none of them at the same time.

Who hasn’t been happy before? There is not one person on this Earth that has never felt happiness, whether it is scarce now or more frequent than before in your life. Mine comes and goes, and it’s all things people, places, ideas, tangible things, shit you can buy, and shit that doesn’t cost a damn thing.

Nowadays, in my most important crises that I face, I find it hard to find happiness. Even in things I enjoy, like writing, because my skies have been dark for so long and the happiness that comes is gone just as fast, and that is a hard life-pill to choke down. I know, it sounds pessimistic. I promise I’m not being overtly dramatic but, it is something I’m finding to be my constant more and more. But then life surprises me. Hell, I even surprise myself.

Even in the darkest moments, happiness can unexpectedly hit you like a blow to the chest.

I went to 5801 by myself the other night. For all you not well versed in the Pittsburgh Gayniverse, 5801 is a gay bar in the East part of the city. Not a bad place! It has this decent outdoor seating area and everything. Pretty rad.

But, as I sat there sipping my vodka sprite (yes, I’m one of those people) and was eyed up by a multitude of people, I assumed this would be it for me for the night. Let me just say that this makes me completely uncomfortable because my social skills are at about a -12, and my compliment-accepting skills are even sadder, but a lovely person came up to me and sat down with a friendly wave. He was tall, and head to toe dragged up, and one of the most prominent queens of Pittsburgh; I assumed I was totally out of my league because of how awkward I am as an individual.

Things didn’t progress as to how I assumed. I don’t think it was really fair to him that I thought I was out of my league. As much as I hate when people assume things about me, I guess I did the same thing with him and already counted myself out because of the incredible confidence he emanated from his very being. It was breathtaking and unforgettable. It was refreshing. We talked for hours, drank for more, and shared mac n’ cheese and I regret no parts of the Britney Spears grilled chicken tenders we, also, ordered from the restaurant down the road. Most importantly, it was happiness.

I went out to be lonely and alone; self-soothe my sadness with some alcohol and to be surrounded by pretty people that would only glance from afar; where you can’t really tell the difference between checking you out or forming their own judgments silently from afar. And then he showed up and switched that whole pity-party around. He may not have known it at the time, or may not even know it now, but he made me feel like I belonged. He showed me, in the short hours we had to hang out and share pieces of each other, that happiness is unexpected; the best kind and most unforgettable type of happiness. He seemed genuine, and I think that’s what I appreciated most, even more than the unexpected happiness.

So, You. Yes, You, the one who surprised me most of all, thank you. And I still owe you dinner.

Happiness is the cup of coffee you get with your best friend to escape a very uncomfortable, unplanned non-dinner-dinner party.

I’ll keep this very low-key, because I’m almost positive some of them might read this one day, or already do read it, B U T! Happiness is the simple fact that you cannot fake smarts over politics and science and math, and you get to have an absolutely beautiful human being sitting next to you that is right there with you. Everyone needs a happiness that is on their level. We deserve to have that someone, and I am thankful for the fact that I can honestly and confidently say I had that person next to me while her and I briefly escaped for a coffee break away from a very intense dinner conversation/atmosphere.

Thank you for giving me happiness. You know who you are, and I absolutely adore you. And I am definitely still your #1 fan always, truly, madly, deeply.

Happiness is ripping out your hair (LOL because I’m already bald) over the thing you love most.

You know exactly what this is. It’s not even a person, actually, and I type this with a slight bitterness to it because my hands and feels and brain aren’t working in tandem as of recent. Writing has been super difficult. I feel ready to write, but then when I’m sitting at my laptop, I get distracted or the words flow for about three words then everything stops like I hit a wall. But even though I want to rip my hair out most days/nights while I write my feelings and life crises to the world, the happiness of finally finishing a post or chapter brings the greatest happiness. All of the frustration makes it worth it, even if I think it’s not my best writing. Sometimes, it’s just what it is. And that’s okay. This cloud never stays long.

There’s a dark side to this whole “Happiness” thing.

Anyone who has ever experienced happiness has experienced great sadness, too. It’s just a fact we need to accept. We don’t have to be happy about it, but we do have to accept it because no happiness lasts forever. Unlike Tove Lo, you can’t stay high all the time. It’s normal and natural to fluctuate, and you should either be content with fluctuating by yourself, or either find someone who understands your fluctuations. They’re out there, I promise.

Everything that is good must come crashing down. I think, even though it sucks balls, it’ll be easier to deal once we accept that. I’m still trying to accept that. I’m also working on trying to understand when to let happiness inside because that can be dangerous too, for me at least.

As I preach over and over again, be open and kind and accepting. Of everything and everyone. If you’re exceptionally low, get high however gets you high: coffee, vodka sprites, talking, loving, laughing, joking, or simply anything your lil’ heart desires. Because you deserve it! T R E A T Y O’ S E L F!

Till next time, loves.

Song: Downtown by Majical Cloudz.

 

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